When you left your room this morning, did you think to pray?

"Oh how praying rest the weary, prayer will change the night to day, so when life gets dark and dreary, don't forget to pray..."
Tennessee Ernie Ford

I have been struggling the last few days. I said no more crying, no more being sad. But, it's not that easy, I know! "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." LOVE that saying, have it somewhere, packed away from when I moved back home...

When I FINALLY graduated from college with my Bachelors Degree and moved back home (going on four years ago), I thought life would be easy or at lease easier, and it was, for awhile. Then, my mom, my hero, the hardest working woman I've ever knowns, she was diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimers. I read and researched, a lot on the disease, and tried to share the things I discovered with friends, family, and loved ones to help them, help myself, help all of us understand this horrible disease and how it affects the person who has it and their loved ones. It got overwhelming and sad. So, I took a break and started reading the Bible!

Nothing can prepare you for the sadness, for the heartache. Some understand, some have an idea of how it feels, and some, will never know. I don't wish it upon anyone.

I had no idea that I would end up taking care of my parents finances, (with help from my sister Heather), take mom to her doctors appointments, making sure my mom's medication is filled, refilled and that she takes it daily, and to be the housekeeper, hygiene and house cleaning product purchaser, and not to mention that I have an older brother with Special Needs living in the home, and now my baby brother, whom does purchase food and keeps us fed EVERY night. It's very awesome of him to make sure that his parents are fed, and fed good!

I'm overwhelmed. I really don't know how much longer I can take the pressure. I wish for more help, from/for my siblings and their families, for my mother's relatives, to be a team, to do this, to be in this together. It's heartbreaking, and we need to share in the work and in the heartache.
Show appreciation for those that are going above and beyond, and for those that are trying.

Today, I ask you to put myself in your prayers. I pray, for unconditional love, for patience, and for understanding. And prayer for me, to determine if I should tough it out a little longer, or if it's time for me to move on and out of the home.

Love you all!

What's a Snish?

"What's a Snish?" My friend asked me once. I said, "It's me!"
I received the nickname when I was young. I loved the original TV series "The Dukes of Hazzard." I was in love with John Schneider, he played Bo Duke. He was cute!! Sweet blonde hair blowing in the wind, nice car that you had to climb in and out of the windows, nice chest showing through his button-up shirt, mmmm, mmm, yummy!! I especially loved it when they slid accross the hood!
So, my older brother, he started calling me "Schneider." That turned to "Snish, "Ish," and "Schnar."
But, somehow, "Snishie" has stuck. I used to cry to mom and tell her, "That's not my name!" "Oh honey, they are just teasing you!"
Now, friends, family, and strangers alike call me "Snish" or "Snishie." I don't go by my real name much anymore, sometimes I don't even respond to it! I like "Snishie!"
It's not German, It's unique, I really feel like it's my name!
So, don't be scared to call me by my name...: )

It's Real

My niece, Keesha, a survivor, spent time with my mom the other day and posted the following post on her new blog:

Burgers and Cards with Grandma
"My Grandma is not doing so well. She is in the early stages of Alzhiemers, a disease that unfortunately runs in our family. She is slowly loosing her mind, and I do not like it one bit. Being with her one on one is out of my comfort zone, mostly because it is hard for me to see her this way. Today was a bitter/sweet time of hanging out with her. My little sister and I brought her some lunch and tried to play phase 10 with her. I loved being with her, becuase I love her. but I hated being with her becuae I hated that she had no concept of playing cards today. I chose phase 10 becuase I figured it would be easy for her to pick up on. Its similar to card games she has played in the past, it has a "cheat sheet" for you to remember what phase your on, and over all it's a pretty simple game. I explained the rules at least twice during each phase. I looked at her cards, organized them, told her what to lay down and what to discard... between Andelina and I she didn't really even play the game with us. when she drew she would put the card in her hand backward so she couldn't even see the card, and when I told her to put them in order from 1 to 12 she just shuffled them around in her hand. When it came time to dicard she would either put it on top of the draw pile, or lay in down in fron of her like she was playing the card. I didn't want to embarass her at all so Andelina and I just went behind her and fixed all her mistakes. I really don't like seeing my grandma this way. I know that she enjoyed lunch, and playing cards today so I will continue to hang out with her, but know that it will always be a struggle for me. Love keeps on loving even when it's uncomfortable, even when it hurts, and even when it doesn't want to. I love my grandma Mary Ruth Cooper, and I pray that as her mind leaves her it will be at ease, that she won't worry, or feel embarassed and stupid. I pray that she will at least remember who I am for a little while longer. I pray that once she's totally lost her mind the Lord will bring her home where her mind will be made perfect. I also pray that If I inherit this awful disease when I get old that I will be the funniest old lady in whole wide world and make everyone laugh instead of make them feel sad."

I barely made it to the end of the post. I cried, and cried, and cried. I've been doing a lot of that lately! Mom always told me, "when it rains, it pours!" Well, I'm in a Flashflood baby! Please throw me a life jacket, cause I don't know how to swim!
This post just made it real for me. My mom has Alzheimers Disease. Depression on top of that. All I've been doing, saying, trying to educate loved ones and let them know about the disease and it really hadn't hit me yet. But to see someone else experience what I experience every day, put it in writing, and for me to read it, to see it, to feel it. It's real. It's real.

Every day is an adventure. Not always bad, sad, or frustrating, not always fun, happy and joyful, but I'm trying, I'm aiming, to make it positive.

Well, I'm off to get ready for work, make it through the day, and start my Spring Break-whooo hoooo!!
: )

I've Decided

: ) Thanks Stephanie and Keetz!! I thought of a few people who were bloggers when I decided to blog...Keesha, my neice, My friends Kate, Tena, Maryanne (also cousin), and Stephanie (Anderson). And Cleola, whom said to, "write it down!" There will be good times and bad, but how fun would it be to let everyone know the fun stories and memories...so, hey, why not??!!
There are many other "bloggers" that I try to follow, that I check out on occasion. I didn't think I'd have time to blog either, but, I shall do my best! It's so fun to see how people are doing and what they are doing.

Am I officially a blogger?

Well, I've had a bad "while." When it rains, it pours, and right now, I'm in a Flash Flood and here is your warning!

I often thought, why would I want to start a blog? Why would I want to "brag" about myself? I don't have a family of my own, and I don't have any children, but, I do have an awesome boyfriend, a HUGE family, tons of friends, and because I was having a bad day, a great friend and coworker suggested I start a blog. Share the good times, express my feelings, all that fun stuff!
I'd love to do some sort of journal, but, if you have seen my handwriting (I was once told I should have been a doctor due to my handwriting, and I was also told I had the handwriting of a serial killer!). So, in trying to get rid of the "sad" Heidi, I want to bring the "Heidi" that everyone knows back! She's been in hiding WAY too long.

So, here I am. New TV, New BlueRay, some day, a Wii. But for now, a blog.
Welcome Heidi!